[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Many hands make light work
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.