The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Still my favourite meme.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago