I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
They grow up so quick