Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.