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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”