Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.