Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
this is uni
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy