“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
me
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool