Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You Might Also Like
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.