so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Muppet Screams
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Trumpy Cat
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa