excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
584.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.