My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.