[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️