Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
PARKOUR
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%