Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.