When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.