I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him