[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
This hospital has everything
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!