Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad