“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*