Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.