I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?