Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m giving up for Lent.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.