Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
You Might Also Like
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off