Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]