First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Discuss
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.