As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
don’t be scared
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?