My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”