the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Mistakes were made
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.