6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The glory of fall.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝