I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).