The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
🤣🤣
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.