It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
You Might Also Like
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me checking my bank balance online.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.