Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me