Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My wife gives the best headache.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭