Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A ghost story
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail