my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I love the National Park Service.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.