So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.