Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others