My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Webb. James Webb.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.