Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.