I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships