12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You Might Also Like
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive