I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.