Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.