My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
what could possibly go wrong?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
my professor scared me for a second
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.