[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
a god among men
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt