Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Labreador
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.