Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Please do it!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
lmao
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.