FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??